False Accusations from an Adopted Child - When Should an adoptive parent seek legal help?
- Heather Matranga
- May 2
- 4 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
I remember going to one of my trauma therapy appointments, and I was broken and wounded from being so severely falsely accused by one of my adult daughters. I sat down and first wanted to make sure I would be understood, so I asked the therapist if she knew what Reactive Attachment Disorder was. Her response shocked me. She said four powerful words that I will never forget. She said, "Yes, it's really dangerous." Then she began to tell me that she does not do therapy with individuals with that diagnosis because traditional therapy simply doesn't work.
Finally, a therapist who understood me.
What a relief!
For those of you who don't know what Reactive Attachment Disorder is, here is an article on the clinical definitions that are in the DSM-5. CLICK HERE
Let me first tell you what it looks like with parenting one of my daugters I adopted. Unfortunately, her attachment issues didn't fully heal, so it turned into something more dangerous.
-It's a constant walking on eggshells.
-They don't allow you to parent them.
-They run away from all correction.
-They control you.
-They lie for no reason.
-They manipulate.
-Appear one way in public, and then another way behind closed doors.
-They play the victim role well.
-They attach to strangers. My daughter specifically attached to older men and treated men better than women. She also sought out anyone in this world who despises me and manipulated and linked arms with them.
-When you try to give any kind of wise counsel, it's not received, but met with them twisting your words and blame-shifting.
-If you say no to them or set boundaries, they make you pay by lying about you.
-If they don't get their way, they punish you and make the situation all about them.
-They change the atmosphere in your home.
-On special occasions, they seek attention and make it all about them.
-It's like living on a rollercoaster because of their emotional instability. You never know what emotion will emerge and what version of them you will get.
-Their mood swings are severe.
-You love and pursue them constantly, but your love is not enough.
-It's a state of constantly being rejected.
-You pursue their heart, they self sabotage.
-It's a one-way relationship. You don't receive love like you give it.
-If you disagree with them, they falsely accuse you.
Thankfully, 90% of my adoption journey is positive. The majority of my adult children are thriving. It would be wrong for me to not mention the 10% of my adoption journey that has been a nightmare, straight from a horror movie, specifically with one adult daughter.
Raising someone with attachment issues is exhausting.
It's spiritual warfare.
It's like being with someone who consistently causes chaos for the sake of chaos.
Unfortunately, if a minor child with RAD does not heal from their attachment issues, the RAD diagnosis can turn into other mental illnesses when they become an adult.
Mental illnesses like Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Sociopathy, just to name a few.
You can read my three part series on Narcissism by CS Lewis HERE and this describes perfectly what most adoptive parents have had to go through when their adoptive child becomes an adult, especially if they haven’t healed from past traumas.
Did you know that most children and young adults who suffer from attachment issues have falsely accused?
The statistics are alarming and hard to ignore.
Adoption and foster care ministry is one of the most challenging ministries a family can undertake. I tell families all the time to only adopt if they are at peace with having their heart, home, and life destroyed.
Yes, there are many success stories where adoptees have become statistic breakers. I am thankful that there are thousands of successful adoption stories out there, but we can't ignore the thousands of families whose lives have been destroyed due to false accusations from a foster and adoptive child .
I know many adoptive parents whose lives have been destroyed and compare adopting their child to setting off a bomb into their home.
I have also heard many adoptive parents talk about how adopting is like inviting tornadoes and natural disasters into their home and marriage.
To learn how to adopt without ruining your marriage and family, CLICK HERE.
When should adoptive parents seek legal help?
Immediately when a child has falsely accused you.
Don't wait.
Don't hesitate.
Don't question if this is a one-time occurrence.
File a report immediately so there is a record.
Find a therapist, find a pastor, find an adoption advocate, or an adoption community who can help support you through this.
Many experts say that being falsely accused is one of the worst trials anyone can go through.
I agree with this statement.
If your adopted child has done anything illegal, abused you, or harmed your family in any way, please call the police.
File a police report.
Hire an attorney.
Do what you need to do in order to defend your family.
My heart goes out to the many adoptive parents sitting in the trenches right now trying to survive. I’ve been there and praying God reaches in those trenches and helps you. I am praying Psalm 91 over your life and household. Remember James 1:27 doesn’t say to adopt all the orphans in your home and destroy your family and marriage in the process. Please seek help. You’re not alone.
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